who needs to be a rockstar, anyways?

***i love the Dove True Beauty Campaign*** (just to throw that out there)

I think I’m a perfectionist. In fact, I know I am. I’m hard on myself…probably harder on myself than other people are on me. Odd, no?

It might not reflect in how I clean, or don’t clean my room. You might not see my battle in my wardrobe or in my handwriting. Yet you see glimpses of it appearing in my slave-driving methods towards getting an A in school or in caring too much about what people think of me. Maybe that’s why I get defensive if somebody accuses me of not trying hard enough.

I may not manage my time as well as I could or look exactly like I wish I did. But the desire to be perfect still lingers beneath the surface and threatens to overwhelm and stress me out.

I think that’s one of the hardest parts about not going back to Moody Bible Institute this fall. I want to be there. I do. Yet, I know that I am not back to girl I need to be before I go anywhere to school. It’s hard for me because I didn’t see this one coming—the moving back home and recovery process. My life has been so different than I wished it would have been but it has not been wasted. It has not been perfect…however, I find much satisfaction in the things I have accomplished and overcome while I’ve been back. I don’t like being told I can’t do something. Often, I’ll go out of my way to prove you wrong.

That’s the wholly secular side of things. The side the really matters, the spiritual one, suffers when Olivia tries to do things on her own. As much as Olivia would like to be perfect, she cannot attain this goal. She can stress and control things (well try) and try to do things on her own. She’s tried. She might be able to accomplish things. It all looks neat and pretty from the outside. Internally, Olivia dies when she does things on her own. Whereas, Olivia submitted to God is: much happier, at peace and aware that she doesn’t have to be perfect. She just has to be submitted and focus on using the abilities God blessed her with.

I don’t have to make As. I don’t have to look like that girl or act like her or seem competent in all situations. I don’t have to overcome being homeschooled or feel like a failure because I’m not going back to moody this fall.

Instead, I will live here and now. I will give my best but I will not kill myself to achieve something. I will apply myself.  I will focus on being the best Olivia I can be. I don’t think any one else expected me to be someone other than me…I guess I just get tempted sometimes. I can still live a dream–just mine.

Not worth it. No double life here. Just one…just Olivia..no barbie…just me.

****************************

I really think this poem portrays what many american girls fall for today. so sad.

Barbie Doll  By Marge Piercy

This girlchild was born as usual

and presented dolls that did pee-pee

and miniature GE stoves and irons

and wee lipsticks the color of cherry candy.

Then in the magic of puberty, a classmate said:

You have a great big nose and fat legs.

She was healthy, tested intelligent,

possessed strong arms and back,

abundant sexual drive and manual dexterity.

She went to and fro apologizing.

Everyone saw a fat nose on thick legs.

She was advised to play coy,

exhorted to come on hearty,

exercise, diet, smile and wheedle.

Her good nature wore out

like a fan belt.

So she cut off her nose and her legs

and offered them up.

In the casket displayed on satin she lay

with the undertaker’s cosmetics painted on,

a turned-up putty nose,

dressed in a pink and white nightie.

Doesn’t she look pretty? everyone said.

Consummation at last.

To every woman a happy ending.

i’m not going to die like she did. it isn’t worth it. no how. no way.

change comes from within.

“There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men.  He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere Him.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

this is the passage i was meditating on this weekend. i don’t really know how i got to this passage. but i do know it was right where i needed to be to promote the most growth and change this weekend. this weekend was incredibly draining and slightly emotional but it was so needed, appreciated and useful. God was very present. i don’t think i knew what was going to come of my weekend…but God showed up. i invited Him…but i don’t believe i expected Him to show up in the way He did. i know that the only reason i was willing and able to gain was because He was the one that did the giving and the translating into my heart so i could understand.

it might be a caffeine week but it was more than worth it.

Tripping, trekking and tickling through the truest terrific type of time

It was raining when I left home and sun-shiny when I returned…both for reasons other than merely the weather. I ventured out in my rain boots of all things. I skipped down the stairs in them–so excited to be alive. They worked when it was cloudy and rain hinted of  it’s near arrival. However, these boots of mine looked progressively more ridiculous as time went on and the temperature climbed to nearly 90. I tend to wear the funniest things on the oddest days. Yet somehow my rain boots were light and rather like my ruby slippers, even if I did look rather like a dork. At least I was a happy dork. I do believe I’ve come to terms with my inner oddness and my outward expressions of it—aka rain boots in this case. Has anyone ever tried dancing with rain boots? I’d like to try.

Today was the last day before three of the most important, pivotal, telling weeks of this year—at least to my progress in life. They float before me like tests, opportunities, challenges and chances to realize my fullest potential. I’m nervous and yet I anticipate them with a mindset of excitement. I’ll make sure to give you pieces of my roadmap, if you care to know them, as these next weeks go by.

You’re not going to understand…but I do…today felt like home. I haven’t truly felt like home in the longest period of time. Home isn’t a place or a situation. It’s much more of a mindset. Today was the icing on the cake. Do you feeling anything at all…? Life is rather mystifyingly delightful.

stuck in a rut? no, thanks.

Monday!

It’s been a rather large turning point weekend. Only my mother witnessed one of my revelations. Saturday was spent with her in remedying the situation. I didn’t realize how altering something I didn’t take seriously could alter a mindset. It’s been a good weekend…and it’s been a “fall back into the same old rut” weekend a bit as well. With one step forward, I also experience another step back—a familiar step back.

It’s so easy to get stuck in the pattern of how I always do things. I get complacent and comfortable and occasionally callous. I stop trying and advertise that this is all I’ve got to offer and all I feel like experiencing. It typically works until I open my Bible or pray or talk to a good friend or my mother. After that, I tend to realize and confess how far off I’ve been and how unhealthy my rut is. Ruts feel safe. They experience no change. They refuse to feel anything but a certain set of emotions. They are fed by similar circumstances and feelings. They are “safe” but they are ugly. Another word for a rut might be a stronghold.

I looked up rut and this is what I found: “a settled and monotonous routine that is hard to escape”. Yes, that’s exactly where I often choose to live. I act as though I’d rather take the predictable and the worn-out instead of the exciting, challenging and new. It sounds like an attitude. A feeling or a need probably influences this attitude. This feeling or need produces a behavior when it is not properly dealt with. Perhaps my behavior is the unwillingness to accept and embrace the change even the needed and freeing change that God offers me.

This weekend, I took one more change. I finally listened, didn’t I mom?

So I begin this week with a fresh outlook and metaphorically a new attire. This is going to be an unusual week. Bring it on.

PS i was looking back over my blog from hungary. it’s funny. cool memories. http://www.oliviabrannon.blogspot.com/

messing with my own head

i am the smartest person i know. i am also the dumbest person i know. it’s not that these are alter egos, really. i suppose they could be in a manner of speaking. but mostly these personalities, or mentalities really, are the manifestations i decide to portray in my life during a day. (i think that made more sense in my head than it does now)

God does empower those who love Him. He does aid them in their lives and their endeavors when they earnestly seek Him and follow the paths He lays before them. I KNOW THAT.

my attitude towards life effects how i live my life. i don’t really understand why completely but i’ve found this to be true. if i feel as if there is nothing to live for…i will have no drive to do well in school, interact with the people around me or convince myself to do anything. ever. if, however, i have a zest for life…suddenly everything is more fun. nothing is perfect in this mentality. i still have issues like tripping over gas nozzles while i’m trying to pump gas and i will still run into things incessantly (somehow drive for life isn’t connected with my coordination skills. someday i’ll understand more about coordination…i probably don’t eat enough pumpkin seeds (or something equally odd) to balance some chemical that’s supposed to help balance me). yet, a mindset colors a mood and a mood colors an action and an action influences a string of events and a string of events makes a lifetime.

too often i let things, including my own insecurities, get in the way of experiencing and doing all i’d like to try and do. i can think of several things i wanted to do this week (and was even given the chance) but i either chickened-out or let made what could be potential abilities into inabilities merely by believing i couldn’t do it.

i have a high success rate when i apply myself.

God gave me  life for a reason. i’m sick of being my own bad guy. olivia can handle life…olivia’s excited….wanna join in?

1. sky diving
2. gold fish swollowing
3. …

ok ok….maybe i’ll start with something a little bit simpler…dana…wanna teach me to salsa?

i won’t spend another day wondering what might have been

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vln_7Sa1Dvg

apparently Mks struggle with transition issues. i’m probably one of those people. but even if i wasn’t i’ve seen a common trend in my life. i struggle to let go of the past. i don’t know why exactly. it’s kind of like a curse but i’m starting to see it as more of a blessing. i may struggle to remain in the present but one good thing about remembering the past is that you can never forget what all the Lord’s brought you through. the moment i cease to realize how good my God is will be the day life has truly lost its meaning.

i’m not as strong as i’d like you to believe. i’m not as put together as i wish you’d see. yet, i am learning so much about the “silver lining” in life. there is so much to live for here in the present. i miss huge chunks of my past….but even if i go back to those same places it won’t be the same as it was before. i know. this time when i go back….i’m going to live in the present. until i get to my next time…i focus on here if only to get to know you. yaaay!

it was a hard learning week…it was also the best of weeks

 SAY WHAT?

well. the beginning of this week (Wednesday is my “week starter”–cause one of my week highlights happens that day every week) was ehhhh…ew. i had a birthday. that was a high. the rest of the contents of that day…i could have done without but i brought it upon myself. my fam was extra sweet especially considering my terrible mood with life. eventually, igot it through my thick skull and decided God is too good to complain and mope and cry. it’s not that everything was suddenly perfect or all better but God reminded me of His hold on my heart. If He has me, i don’t have to panic about the future, where i’m going/not going or who i’m leaving. i can leave it with Him….i can let the deepest longings of my heart rest…He can even handle my broken pieces. they are healing….but glue takes awhile to dry ya know. AWHILE…why do i want to rush?

My personal Bible study of Deuteronomy continues to be most encouraging. God always has the most unique timing for when I read something in Scripture. Lately, everything in Deuteronomy is screaming my name. Yes, screaming. It’s hard not to pay attention when it’s that loud? So even a dumb blondie can get it through her thick, stubborn skull.

“when you and your children return to the LORD your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you today,  then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you.  Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the LORD your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your fathers, and you will take possession of it. He will make you more prosperous and numerous than your fathers.  The LORD your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live.” Deuteronomy 3:2-6

so my hearts on the line. again. i know. i know. i’m sick of wasting time. i had my shot. here i go again….maybe i have the guts this time. i think i’ll have to do things differently…

i’m sorry for lying and wasting your time up till now. i might not get the chance to prove to you specifically that: this is the real me. i’m finding exactly who i’m supposed to be. i’m where i need to be. i miss you though but i shouldn’t. i have to believe…i’m going to make it. thanks for coming along this far–might not have made it without all of you. maybe not….well. i’m sure God would have found another way to get me to now–where i needed to be.

***

on the high side of things…my state of mind has truly shifted in several key areas. this was incredible progress in my opinion. i’m losing myself perhaps…but only the parts that had to go. i’m done with competing and putting on a front. the routine is old. i’m changing my ways; i’m not changing the me i’m suppose to be–the one God made me to be. i am ok. He made me this way. I don’t have to prove anything to you. you are an enemy not a friend if you say otherwise. i don’t need you. I need HIM. He’s the God of the universe. I think He’s got you beat. farewell.

through hiding. it showed more and more this week. i was real more than normal. BEAUTIFUL reality. 

too bad it took my stupidity and  yuck stuff to get here. perhaps it took the breaking down to realize God has given me the strength to make it through even this–my past does not define my future.

i’m going to be ok….i’ve believed. now i know

 

diary of change. diary of faith

when a dream dies, hope either survives or dies with it. one can sit around and mope all they like. hide under the covers…pull your knees in tightly. you can be a miserable person inflicting misery and morbid sadness on the world around you. you can hate and clench your fists and curse the God you feel let you down or at least allowed you to walk along the current path. but did He…? 

but what good is that really?

if some remnant of hope survives, that hope probably flickers and still threatens to go out. it survives on a measly diet of desiring greater things someday in the future. yet it knows not when those things will actually come to be.

its a hard place to be. especially when you know choices YOU (ok i made) brought you to where you are currently  sitting.

i don’t like being told i cannot do something. i’m stubborn i guess you could say. when i want something badly enough, i usually try to go all out to obtain or reach that goal. what happens when you realize or are informed that your dream is pointless and barely attainable. do you let go? do i? i so want to get back to the point when there is no doubt in my mind or anyone elses that i can do this even if i have to work up from a kindergarten-like state. maybe it’s not the dream i’m supposed to have right now. take off those rose colored glasses….sigh. i really should throw those away.

perhaps everything looks better from a distance.  i know this dream is brushing on insane. but if the alternative is to live a life  curled up in a corner (basically dead in my opinion), then i choose hope. that hope may be shaky and not as strong as it was before all of this but it is still trying to peak through. don’t you see it? each breath, each step is another step of faith. maybe it looks tiny to you but i’m celebrating the little things. i let go of caring what you think. i’m in this for the long run. it might take me longer than it takes you…it’ll probably take me longer than it should. hopefully that just means i’ll learn the lesson completely and get the chance for it to become ingrained in my mind. i want to be THAT girl again….you know…the whole one?…right. her.

Isn’t it incredible how God reveals Himself to us when we’re willing to listen? ha. helllloooo olivia. of course He does. He is so consistent. I’ve often wondered why God doesn’t always instantly deliver us. But when God set the Israelites free from their bondage to the Egyptians, He led them out in a way that was longer. This was partly due to their sin and  possibly because going the shorter way would risk them changing their minds and returning to Egypt. Egypt was bondage….and yet they might want to go back. wow! In the same way, if He delivered us instantly from strongholds, we would see His greatness once, but we would soon forget and also risk going back.  I think by allowing God to teach us victory in Christ Jesus day by day, we’re more continuously aware of His power and sufficiency. Does that make sense?

For me, i don’t believe Egypt is a place. instead its more of an attitude, a mindset and an experience. once i get my mind out of that gutter, i want to try again. it doesn’t have to be my “Dream place”.get out of my way… :]

if you see a change in me…

…it’s because there is one. i will admit it affected me. i refuse to let my emotions be my sole deciding factor. i believe they matter. i’m learning to better deal with them. slipping through my fingers…i had no idea i was so attached. my life is so drastically different than it was this time last year or even last night. i am changing whether i like it or not. i’d rather like it…so that’s the attitude i want to take. i want to be different than i was last year. i’d be stupid if i always wanted to remain the same.

over-attachment is so unhealthy. considering the circumstances of my life, it was perhaps the most prudent, safe and least risky choice. it was the sure fire way to not break my heart with having to say goodbye in the future. instead it was brought to the forefront. it was acknowledged. discussed and ultimately eliminated. terminated. i didn’t sleep much last night because too many thoughts were racing through my mind. what-ifs crowded out the fairly level headed brain that i would like to believe exists somewhere in this body of mine. geez. i can be so stupid. hellllooo…olivia its not all about you. not. not.

hmmm. how do i discuss my feelings without complaining? how do i lay them out calmly and devoid of personal bias? 

i know i am here for a reason. i have too much to live for to give up now. ending life isn’t an option. i cannot live in the past. my past had it’s wonderful moments and the opposite as well. i want to learn from my past but not base my future on it. the past affects my now but it doesn’t dictate my present. i can’t control my future. i want to understand where i’m going, what i’ll be doing and who i will become….yet i cannot see past this moment. when i think about not knowing, it often depresses me. i have to learn that there is some balance between having incredible hope for the future and not dwelling too much on what isn’t here yet. if i have no hopes, goals and aspirations, their is no reason to keep living. none. i have to dream. i want to. it’s coming. it’s coming…change can happen overnight but it may take longer than a day to notice. believe me. i know.

this time of my life will be worth it. i know that.

 

“…Every day we face the same truth: that life is fleeting that our time here is short…we must live our own lives well….”