messing with my own head

i am the smartest person i know. i am also the dumbest person i know. it’s not that these are alter egos, really. i suppose they could be in a manner of speaking. but mostly these personalities, or mentalities really, are the manifestations i decide to portray in my life during a day. (i think that made more sense in my head than it does now)

God does empower those who love Him. He does aid them in their lives and their endeavors when they earnestly seek Him and follow the paths He lays before them. I KNOW THAT.

my attitude towards life effects how i live my life. i don’t really understand why completely but i’ve found this to be true. if i feel as if there is nothing to live for…i will have no drive to do well in school, interact with the people around me or convince myself to do anything. ever. if, however, i have a zest for life…suddenly everything is more fun. nothing is perfect in this mentality. i still have issues like tripping over gas nozzles while i’m trying to pump gas and i will still run into things incessantly (somehow drive for life isn’t connected with my coordination skills. someday i’ll understand more about coordination…i probably don’t eat enough pumpkin seeds (or something equally odd) to balance some chemical that’s supposed to help balance me). yet, a mindset colors a mood and a mood colors an action and an action influences a string of events and a string of events makes a lifetime.

too often i let things, including my own insecurities, get in the way of experiencing and doing all i’d like to try and do. i can think of several things i wanted to do this week (and was even given the chance) but i either chickened-out or let made what could be potential abilities into inabilities merely by believing i couldn’t do it.

i have a high success rate when i apply myself.

God gave me  life for a reason. i’m sick of being my own bad guy. olivia can handle life…olivia’s excited….wanna join in?

1. sky diving
2. gold fish swollowing
3. …

ok ok….maybe i’ll start with something a little bit simpler…dana…wanna teach me to salsa?

 

it feels like home to be here with you

I look back over the 13 months since we returned from Hungary. Much has changed. A new house. New school. New job. New friends. New. New. New.

God obviously didn’t change but I did. I don’t want to cry for you–the old version of me. I’m not sad anymore that I lost you. I cannot imagine another me than the me I have become over the last 13 months.

I know so much but as I realize how much I know…I simultaneously understand how much I do not know and possibly never will. I might know more in a certain genre than you yet you know more about other things than me. I could learn something new everyday for the rest of my life and I would never be able to overwhelm the creativity of God. It’s such a wonderful realization, really. I wouldn’t want to have a God who I could exhaust. I could believe in the hypostalic union, Calvinism or dispensations all I wanted . But if my God could be out thought or out designed…what’s the point? My God is so much bigger than all my human nonsense. His being bigger than me, especially in creativity, is a pretty major category for me to believe. Without believing that God is bigger than me…and much more knowledgeable than I can even imagine…I would have no God.

Home is such a weird word to me. I know many of you would like me to call Alabama my home. In many ways, Alabama IS my home because I was born here. Others of you would support my saying that Heaven is my only home. THAT is even truer than Alabama being my home. Kinda cheesy and slightly overused (in weird ways). Home isn’t Europe or Chicago or living overseas. Home is where my family is residing. But most importantly it’s wherever my God has me. It feels like home to me when I can snuggle in with my God and just be with Him. I know that’s a bit of an unusual concept for a girl of my age…or anyways perhaps. But God is more than a big, greater power in the sky to me. He is holy, worthy of praise and respect. I believe that. But He’s also the one I run to when I’m sick, tired, stressed, lonely or angry. He is the only one who is trustworthy, stable and secure. He is my home. He is my hope. He is my security in the new. This is the God who brought me through the last 13 months…funny how now…I wouldn’t change a thing.

 

what’s the opposite of morning sickness?

morning joy?

My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. Psalm 130:6

i feel like a programmed robot at times…like when i cannot wake up any other time than 7am because that’s what time i’ve gotten up every other day this week. sad and funny at the same time. At least i’m putting my time to good use.

In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. Psalm 5:3

 

you’ve completely stolen my heart

yes, i am up late (or early if you look at it that way). i couldn’t sleep. there is too much running around in my mind. yesterday (monday) was a bit on the crazy/stressful side of things…but it was honesty still a very good day. each day is such a gift. so i had a good cry out to God session (a few minutes ago). i don’t believe i realized until this year just how useful tears can be. showing emotion isn’t a bad thing….plus it’s a bonus when you’re talking to God and He created all of my emotions anyway…so i think He can more than handle them

this has been quite the year…God you amaze me.  you have my heart.

“Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead.”  Frederick Buechner (this was a quote from a blog written by Steven Curtis Chapman’s blog–he lost his 5 year old daughter in an accident last may. this quote struck a chord in my heart)

i can honestly say that i did not want to be here in alabama under the circumstances that brought me back here in February. moving back to alabama was the hardest and best decision i’ve made this year (as far as i know). it’s not been the smoothest transition–but it’s progressively gotten better and better. plus i have this totally awesome family to help me through the highs and lows…and most importantly a God who catches me over and over and over again. i’m officially proving, at least to myself, that i can do nothing to remove myself from His love. God…you are my love.

love to me is nothing like i thought it was before returning. i actually think i’ve learned more here than i could/would have during one semester at Moody. yes, i did just say that. i’m actually starting to be quite content with being here in alabama. no, it wasn’t my plan…but when has my plan actually worked out? God–it’s all you.

back to the chapman family. their little daughter, maria, was killed in an accident that sadly involved her brother. i was just reading an account of the chapman’s story. the brother that hit sweet maria…recalled his experience. he said that after he hit her with the automobile, he just started running and didn’t plan on stopping…until his older brother tackled him and would let him up. his older brother told him (the young brother) that the chapman’s loved him, needed him and that he couldn’t leave. by this point…tears weren’t just falling…they were streaming down my face in torrents…and they stil are i guess you could say. but don’t worry…they aren’t sad tears…i’m just realizing i’m like the brother who hit maria in so many ways.

when i came home in february…a part of me was running like maria’s brother. i was so scared and lost and i didn’t know what to do with what i’d been dealt and gotten myself into. (i’m not saying i have everything figured out now) i may not always understand. i don’t understand why i got the chance to experience what i did…but i’ve been tackled by love so many times in the last 164 days since i left moody.

i don’t have everything together. i’ll be the first one to admit that to you. but i’m dancing with the king of the universe. i don’t want to miss out…He’s kept my heart beating…all along ( in all dimensions). so even now…when i feel that i’m scraping myself together to go on with a day…i have no excuse…my heart is taken by the most ultimate lover…and i cannot let Him down because He’s never forgotten me.

 

the engaged…for 33 more days

 I’m super excited to be going to Chris and Krista’s wedding in just over a month! AHH.

Aren’t they the cutest things?

I admire them for their devotion to God, their love and purity. I love you both…and i can’t wait to see you sooooonnn

PS aren’t their engagement pictures beautiful?

 

does the newspaper usually make you laugh?

my mom sent my this article. i always like to keep up to date on what is happening in hungary. since we spent alot of time in the budapest airport, this story seemed especially funny. 

*****

Crowd grabs goodies and foils airline stunt

BUDAPEST (Reuters) – An overeager crowd in the Hungarian capital thwarted low-cost airline Wizz Air’s attempt to release 1,000 balloons for its fifth anniversary celebrations when they caught wind of the freebies attached.

Onlookers spied coupons worth 10,000 forints ($49.45) attached to each balloon and a free-for-all of popping and grabbing commenced before the balloons could be officially released from a giant net in the center of Budapest.

“Someone popped one of the balloons, hoping to get the gift coupon that was attached to it,” Wizz Air communications director Natasa Kazmer said. “As if on cue, the entire crowd attacked the net.”

Members of the crowd scrambled about chasing balloons and collecting as many coupons as they could. One young woman kneeled over a grill in the gutter, furiously trying to pick as many coupons as she could out of the rainwater underneath.

“The idea was that the balloons would spread far and wide, so we did not place a limit on how many vouchers they could use for a single purchase,” Kazmer said.

Wizz Air had planned to release the vouchers after a press conference in a nearby hotel, where Eastern Europe’s largest airline had planned to outline its long-term vision.

The crowd and the vouchers were mostly gone before most of the press sent to cover the event had arrived or CEO Jozsef Varadi could finish his speech.

(Reporting by Marton Dunai, editing by Paul Casciato)

 

Immersive virtual reality

we live in this culture that’s a addicted and immersed in “cookie-cutter” people. everyone seems so “perfect” on the outside. once we step out our front doors, our walls go up. we put on the “perfect” outfits and walk around like puppets attached to strings. i know i’ve been guilty of adhering to this unspoken code. it’s a struggle to be real because real isn’t always pretty. who made being real into being ugly? those were some messed up people…oh wait. i think i helped contribute to that by not fighting against it so many times. i’m sick of being sucked into this mindset…and yet somehow i find myself waking up in the morning threatened by the very same opportunity. it’s like an addiction–possibly emotional and physical.

as time goes by, i realize that caring about how others think about you is a waste of time. i’m actually doing pretty well in that area. it’s certainly a balance from caring too much and caring too little. i’m no master but i am making effort to seek God in this area.

this isn’t the test run in life. sorry there’s no rehearsal. sometimes i wish i could do things at least twice…yet this isn’t the SIMS video game. i don’t get to create my own little world and run it as i wish. honestly, i like life the way it is right now. i have the coolest life of anyone i know and i wouldn’t trade it. it’s not that i don’t have my issues–everyone does. there are things i’d love to change…some of them i can and some of them i can’t. i am a factor in my life…but God controls my destiny. i find peace when i give Him everything, including baggage and blessings. it’s amazing how “un-stressed” i am when i do this. stress is so consuming and so deadly. it saps the joy out of life. i believe being a “cookie cutter” person only increases stress. yet another reason not to be “perfect”.

can’t i choose to be different and immerse myself in real reality created by God instead of creating one? i think so.

 

must we erase the past?

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124588743827950599.html#printMode

According to this article in the Wall Street Journal, the Obama administration is choosing to abandon decisions, regarding Israel, made by the Bush administration. yuck…what happened to defending and protecting our relationship with God’s chosen people? America…this may not go well with you.

Oh Israel…God has done so much for you…Pray for Israel with me…and while we’re at it…pray for America.

Psalm 136

 ¹⁰ to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt 
       His love endures forever.

 ¹¹ and brought Israel out from among them 
       His love endures forever.

 ¹² with a mighty hand and outstretched arm; 
       His love endures forever.

 ¹³ to him who divided the Red Sea asunder 
       His love endures forever.

 ¹⁴ and brought Israel through the midst of it, 
       His love endures forever.

 ¹⁵ but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea; 
       His love endures forever.

 ¹⁶ to him who led his people through the desert, 
       His love endures forever.

Israel…oh Israel. It’s interesting to me how much dearer to my heart you are now.

 

barefoot summer

 

 I just got back from swinging the park situated around the corner from my house. It was finally cool enough to go outside and be able to breathe properly–so I couldn’t help myself. I embraced my inner childhood…and my mother giggled on my way out the door.

Some days, like today, I think it’s fun to embrace my inner childishness. Not only is swinging something I did when I was in elementary school but it’s also something I associate with thinking and praying time. Odd, no? Well, I put fun, thinking and praying together tonight and had a delightful time in the park. I feel ALIVE. 

I love this passage. This may be my favorite “alive” passage.

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” Ephesians 2:1-7

 

ah. listen to the music

it’s a good day. it’s a good day happy monday.

it is so my friend brittany’s fault that i am currently addicted to the band “Addison Road.” i’ve always been into lyrics and theirs were no exception to the common trend. here’s one that seems to speak to my heart today.

 

why yes…i am a dork.

so i’m giving a demonstration speech tomorrow on…

HOW TO PACK A SUITCASE TO GO OVERSEAS. haha

yes. i realize it’s kinda a strange subject but it’s one i’m really familiar with and off the list i gave my teacher…she liked this one the best.

so i’m assembling my suitcase for class this afternoon. my poor sister will probably get to hear the speech several times tonight. lovely. this whole idea sounded better in theory. i neglected to realize that i only have a 5 minute break between speech and english class tomorrow…thus…i will have to bring my suitcase, backpack and computer with me…and all through school. oh yay. maybe purple was a bad choice of color…

maybe my family was right when they suggested making me life into a reality TV show. oh my.

at least i’m a happy dork

 

dancing through life

It’s Thursday: that means I made it. What a wonderful feeling that is! It’s been a crazy week academically. I had two pretty major tests and a whole bunch of homework. I studied like a good geek would and did my best. I will admit I felt the pressure before delivery…

But if I learned anything this year, I learned…

• You only get one chance at life—so live it.
• You’re attitude affects your performance—so embrace joy…especially the joy the Lord gives
• You have to do you best but living in fear of failure is paralyzing and pointless.
• Smiling makes everything better
• Happiness is infectious

And finally…

• You should only do things to bring glory to God. As long as my actions accomplish that purpose, the opinions of other people don’t matter…

HOW COOL IS THAT?

I wrote that just to say: I did my best, I did the work and now I can’t change any of it so I’m not going to worry about it. On to the next thing…

 

a day in review?

Well today isn’t over yet…but it’s already been quite the day…but I have tuna and tea now so I’m gonna make it (Yes, it’s a little weird.)

 

So I slept from 9:30pm to 8am…not a very normal occurrence to sleep that long. I woke up and got ready…and studied and left for work. Didn’t feel so great. Is it possible to sleep too long? 

Made a few phone calls from work…and organized a few things. Then I realized I forgot a paper I needed for my 12:30 class. So I had to come home quickly.  Got that. Drank tea. Studied for a few minutes. Poured the rest of my tea into a to-go cup. Got carried away with the studying and lost track of time…barely made it out of the door in time. Proceeded to dump my entire cup of tea down myself. 20 minutes till class. Sigh. Didn’t have time to change. Went to class wet…my friend called me in tears…. stressed out because she was late to her class…and had taken the wrong turn. So we verbalized as I ran down the hall in heels to class. Yes ran.  Made it 1.5 minutes before class started. I’m the second one on the role…so being even a minute late isn’t an option.

I had forgotten to read one of the passages we were supposed to have read for class. Perfect. Par for the course. Then I was sleepy because my caffeine had been otherwise disposed of…. ha. Class was still really interesting. I enjoyed it. Then she asked me to read…and I totally invented my own language as I tried to read it out loud. It was frustratingly comical at this point.

Now I’m home for a few minutes but wondering what else is going to happen in this day.

I so could be stressed right now. I should be. There is a dull sense in my brain commanding me to be miserable, curl up in a ball…. pray for a miracle…or just to cry. But I’m ok. Today is actually a bit funny. If someone would have watched my day…. I would have wanted them to laugh. So I’ll laugh. It wasn’t a “terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day…” (but i did love this book as a kid)it wasn’t. It’s been a crazy day, yes. But it’s been my day and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Because missing this would be missing life. I’m so into life right now. [happy sigh]….but I might need a nap  :)

 

yes, i am supposed to be studying for: my new testament exam, my literature exam, my english paper on drama….or doing endless reading. i am. believe me…i’m going to get on it soon. i’m just reminiscing and praying…and thinking…

it’s raining outside. water is running down the window panes and the puddles are calling my rainboots to come hop in them. it’s really the perfect day for reading a deep book–you know the real kind. perfect for daydreaming and writing in journals. but perfection isn’t attainable or worth killing oneself to attain. thus, here i am…drinking tea and studying on a rain-filled sunday afternoon. as much as i’d like to do some hopping…i really wouldn’t have it any other way.

“God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.”

 

Changed.

Satisfaction in life really isn’t required. However…I do believe that man’s (especially in America) ultimate goal is to make himself happy. It’s rather selfish and addicting.

We all do “happiness” in different ways. For some happiness is money. Others like fashion or cars or girlfriends/boyfriends or drinking. Sometimes it’s food in excess or no food at all. Anything can be used to stuff or delay the looming emptiness in our hearts, minds and souls. We turn to everything but the actual happiness-Maker. I’ve done it and I’m sure you have too. Could happiness be an addiction? I think so.

cheesy...maybe but i like it

 

I could be wrong…but I believe these “coping mechanisms” are behaviors that come from needs not being met. These needs could be physical, emotional, spiritual…pretty much any kind of need. Instead of addressing them straight on and seeking God with our pains, we try not to feel or sometimes we freak out. Evidence of these habits comes into play especially when people are sad, lonely, frustrated or break up with their significant others.

***Example***There is a girl I sit next to in one of my English classes. I was asking her about how her week was going. For some reason, she confessed that she had drunk an entire bottle of wine the night before because her boyfriend had broken up with her the night before. She said it helped dull the thoughts in her head and fall asleep more quickly. If I had known her better…I probably would have hugged her. However, my family has told me that my personal space levels were messed up greatly when I moved to Hungary. Apparently, I get too close or something now…. so I restrained. Instead. I tried to express my sorrow for her heart and encourage her to feel instead of not dealing with her sorrow.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to be happy. I would say I’m the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. But happiness to me is more than a feeling. It is a feeling but it’s also a peace, contentment with who I am, where I am and where I’m going.  I have been changed in this area. I want you to experience that too. I don’t always do the greatest job of explaining…but I try. Because I have been changed or maybe I’m in the process of changing, I want my friends to be too.

Nothing is wasted. That’s not my head speaking. That’s my heart.